Since New Year’s Eve I have spent much time ruminating over the concept of forgiveness. Each day when I chant So Purkh, I always set an intention. Sometimes the same intention is set daily months on end. One I use consistently that came to me in meditation is “I clear, heal and transform my relationship with _______, for the best and highest good of All.” It is my belief the setting of this intention for 11 months has led me to this experience of forgiveness. I decided to forgive my ex-boyfriend, not for anything he had done, but for my feeling of betrayal at him that he could not “keep up” (grow) with me. I have held so much anger, frustration, and resentment towards people especially my men that I have spent lifetimes seething inside. Well, and let’s face it, on the outside recently also.
Christiane Northrup, M.D. writes in her book The Wisdom of Menopause how as women if we hold our emotions in throughout our lifetime, at the time of menopause they can certainly manifest in great anger, if not even physical disease. I have been experiencing this especially the last year since I have turned 50. All of the unresolved emotions of feeling used, powerless, betrayed-whatever it is-they do not just go away because you choose “to not think about them”. That to me sounds like just another form of denial. As women we are taught to be so “nice”, to not be aggressive, and put everyone else’s needs before our own. No wonder we end up with generations of older women who are angry or “menopausal” from this imposed martyrdom. Would this happen if we struck a balance between our own needs and the needs of others? Maybe, maybe not. Societally this is not going to change overnight so this is where the concept of forgiveness comes in.
At this time of year we see and hear all about cleansing and detoxing. Just go to Whole Foods right now. You’ll see! Well, we need to focus on not only physically cleansing our bodies, but emotionally cleansing our minds and spirits. Forgiveness can do this.
My journey with forgiveness began on New Year’s Eve during a Shamanic Trance Journey seeing myself so angry with my ex-boyfriend. I was screaming and shouting at him to the point of insanity during this vision. My frustration with him was penultimate. I certainly could not view it as anything less than breaking a sacred pact we had made. And now he had violated it. This vision then transformed into me having to forgive him, not for anything, I repeat anything, he had done or not done, but for my own release of anger, frustration, bitterness, betrayal, powerlessness and victimization. This particular man represents all the men I have been in relationship in this lifetime and many others as a whole. He represents the my male collective by being my twin soul. So by being able to forgive him, I felt a huge weight lifted from me. I feel light and free. And I continue to remain so. I never could contemplate how liberating forgiveness can actually be. So many shackles that have kept me trapped in old, old patterns of behavior and attitude toward men have now shifted. I can see them with so much clarity. It is their Soul Selves I am able to view rather than the human behavior I found offensive lifetime after lifetime. This form of detachment allows me to see and feel all the gifts they have given me. They have only been mirrors of my own stubborness and righteousness about justice in any form. Now I have the opportunity to be flexible, open and responsive to the grand array of human behaviors. I feel such relief in this ability to forgive, accept and let go. In the past it has never quite felt so deep and all encompassing. Maybe that is one of the hidden gems of 2012.