Sat nam! Last month for my birthday, I had lunch with a group of extraordinary women, all of whom had chanted So Purkh at one time or another. As with any group of women, the subject turned to men which led to a discussion about on-line dating. One of the women in the group told us how she met her husband on-line (I have met her husband and he is an amazing man). Two or three others discussed their experiences with it. One is currently dating a man she met online a year ago.
I am among one of the last hold-outs to explore on-line dating. Dating has never been big in my world, even before So Purkh. It seemed I would be lucky to squeeze in three dates before I was in a relationship. My last relationship began after one date. Somehow it has been my destiny to be in relationships to learn, grow and explore myself.
Now the tides are changing. By the end of the night, myself and another friend agreed we would both sign up for online dating within the next two days. We both did it. We went to a site recommended by the woman who met her husband online. I signed up. I received one message in the last few weeks. I even sent out three(!!) messages. I received nothing back. No one was checking out my profile. Part of me was feeling rejected but truthfully, VERY secretly relieved I would not have to face talking, meeting and dating a man.
Last weekend another So Purkh friend of mine was going on a date with a man she met online. They are having a fun flirtation. I told her of my experience-crickets. She immediately told me she had the same response on that site. Instead, she told me to try out the site she is on. The following night, I bit the bullet, and signed up on her site.
OMG! I had only downloaded my photo and I already had men messaging me. My ego is very flattered! At least someone out there in cyberspace might be interested in me! I am getting over my previous feelings of rejection while new, deeply buried feelings are being unearthed from this fast wave of attention.
The greatest feeling of all: fear. Fear of having to meet someone new. Fear of going on an awkward date. Fear of going on a date. Period. Fear of what am I going to say to this man if he calls. Fear of what the future could bring. Fear of writing and saying the wrong thing. Fear of being myself and not being liked. Fear of tossing my authentic self to the wind to get a man to want to date me. Fear of reverting into my old bad habits of needing to be in control or be a doormat. Fear he won't call. Fear he will call! Fear of being rejected. Fear of being pursued. Fear of being loved. Fear of not being lovable. Fear of loving.
As you can see, my mind has been in overdrive. As I was on the massage table in my chiropractor's office this morning, it came to me to not only let go of my fear of everything around dating but my need to decide at this very moment in time what objective I have in dating someone, anyone at all. I find myself questioning what I want. Ultimately, if it is my destiny, I do desire a sacred relationship with my beloved.
However, maybe now is the time for me to take the pressure off and just get to know a man (the nature of men in general) and explore being an emotionally mature woman in the meantime. It may be time to walk my talk with all the healing work I have done around my past relationships. It may be time to just have FUN!
I am at a point in my life where I no longer want the traditional marital relationship of family and kids. Maybe I needed to wait until the biological clock stopped ticking before I could enter into a place of emotional maturity. There is a freedom to pursuing dating when I do not have the husband and kids as the goal. So then, why do I want to date men? This has been the question in my mind all morning. As women, we are programmed to pursue the dream of a loving husband and kids culturally, hormonally, biologically.To form a strong family unit. To propagate the race.
But why do I want do I want to date? So I can explore how it feels to be an emotinally mature woman in a loving relaitonship. Simply, to learn about relationships with men as an adult without the fantasy (ie. Prince Charming, "You complete me.", etc).
To uncover the abundance of love in my heart for myself and see it reflected in another. As always, I continue to chant So Purkh to support myself as I enter this new realm of relationship between men and women. Many Blessings.
